LESSON ONE:

Suffering is inevitable.

 

Negative experiences are uncomfortable and none of us wants to go through them. Many go to great lengths to avoid struggling and negative emotions, they turn to alcohol, cigarettes, or other substances. Most times it’s not that extreme. Denial, procrastination, or overworking are common avoidance strategies as well, and let me tell you I’m guilty of avoiding my emotions too. 

 

“Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience.” (p.11) Through an unpleasant process, things gain value because we struggled for it. We pushed ourselves out of our comfort zone and endured a journey of ups and downs but in the end, we’re rewarded with something worthwhile. 

 

Acceptance of the fact that negative, unpleasant experiences are part of life helps us to stop obsessing over negative emotions. We need to confront problems, failures, pain, and anxiety. We need to feel it. 

 

That’s what I’ve been doing: I’ve stopped to identify when I was using procrastination as an avoidance strategy and reflected on which fears were behind my avoidance of a certain task or action. 

 

Procrastination often meant for me to use my phone and scroll on social media. Therefore I set a time window that is social media free. Every day from the minute I wake up until the sun sets at approximately five in the afternoon, I refrain from using social media platforms and focus on the tasks at hand.

 

I’ve let myself fully feel the anxiety and the uncomfortable feeling that come up for example choosing the right wording for this article and pushing through when I feel stuck on my writing. 

 

As I’m writing this I feel anxious because I go to an event later and I have terrible social anxiety beforehand but I remind myself that I’ve always felt accomplished after and everything did turn out fine.

 

Secondly, I stopped overworking myself. I slow down on Saturdays and give myself a complete break on Sundays from doing any work. Sunday is now designated for self-care, journaling, and reflecting.

 

 

LESSON TWO:

you’re always giving a f*ck,  choose something meaningful

 

Ironically we’re always giving a f*ck. There is nothing such as not giving a f*ck. That’s how we’re wired biologically and what’s keeping us alive and has kept us alive. We always care about something. Caring about nothing is caring about something which is caring about nothing. I know that sentence got a little confusing. 

 

The bottom line is we’re always giving a f*ck about something whether we realize it or not.

 

However, we have a limited amount of f*cks to give. So we have to choose something meaningful to care about. 

 

Often times we have to create that meaning. One example he gives is that when facing adversity in life to not care about the adversity we need to care about something more important than adversity. Finding something more meaningful helps us overcome that resistance. 

 

Redirecting the f*cks you give can take different forms. But first, we must allow ourselves to be different and remain true to ourselves and our values. 

 

Here are some examples from my life:

 

• not caring about what I don’t have and what others do but focusing on what I have and what I want regardless of other’s opinions
• dressing how I want and not caring if others think I look good instead prioritizing that I like what I’m wearing and creating my own standards of my own beauty and accepting my imperfections
• not getting too involved in the lives of celebrities and influencers and judging their actions and instead focusing if I like the decisions I make in my own life

 

 

LESSON THREE

problem-solving creates happiness

 

One recurring thing in our life is problems. Our life goes well because we just solved a problem and then boom another one. Sound familiar? 

 

Well unfortunately that is life. Sounds a little depressing right? 

 

It doesn’t have to be if the focus is shifted toward the process of solving and that enjoyment can be found in the journey.

 

The book encourages us to own up to our mistakes and to take responsibility for our problems even if they’re not our fault. 

 

• It might not be my fault that I adopted certain beliefs as a kid but it is my responsibility to change my mindset. 
• It wasn’t my fault that the teacher treated me unfairly but my grade is still my responsibility. 
• It wasn’t my fault that I got sick, but I am responsible for getting well again.

 

People often don’t take responsibility for their problems. Two main causes are mentioned:

 

denial – denying problems and chasing temporary highs or 

 

the victim mentality – blaming others for their problems and believing it’s others’ responsibility to solve them which will never happen and being convinced there is nothing they can do to solve their issues when in fact there is. Victim mentality leads to anger and helplessness.

 

Problems are unavoidable, they will always be there. Now you might be thinking you have no control over your life or your happiness. The truth is you do, not entirely but more than you think. 

 

In life you have choices, you can choose your problems. You can choose your career path and therefore choose the hardships you’ll face. Every path has its struggles, it is your choice of what you’re willing to struggle for. 

 

The author describes happiness as a work-in-progress because solving problems is a constant work-in-progress. 

 

If you don’t take responsibility you don’t take control of your life. “You can’t win if you don’t play” So play a game you enjoy not because of the prize.

 

I will leave lesson three off with a statement from the book that changed my thinking.

 

“With great responsibility comes great power.” 

 

 

 

LESSON FOUR

values create reality

 

The meaning behind suffering creates a sense of purpose and therefore we’re able to endure it. Chapter four mentions the Self-Awareness onion. Self-Awareness is like an onion you peel back layers to reach the core and the further along you are the more likely you are to cry. 

 

First, we need to acknowledge our emotions and understand when we experience specific emotions. This could look like this: I feel happy when I’m spending time with my family or I feel anxious when I need to start a new project and therefore I procrastinate. Most of us are more prone to ignore and push away our negative emotions for the simple reason that dealing with and acknowledging them sucks. However, it’s the first step to better self-awareness. 

 

Understanding why we feel these emotions is the next step. 

 

Why do I feel anxious about starting a new project? Do I think I’m not capable enough? Is it because I’m scared of failing? 

 

The reason behind our emotions takes a while to figure out because what’s behind all the questioning goes a while back. It’s our personal values that we formed primarily throughout our childhood and teenage years. Our values determine the nature of our problems and thereupon the quality of our lives. 

 

Peeling back the layers requires honest self-questioning and accepting responsibility for problems, situations, and personal values.

 

To improve the quality of our life we need to change our values and the metric by which we measure them. 

 

Let’s say my value is: I’m supposed to be successful in life. Success is a broad term that every individual has another definition. Everyone measures success differently. 

 

If I measure success as the antonym of failure that would imply never failing is succeeding. This would be an indicator of why I am so afraid of failing. We can replace that measure by defining failure as giving up on a project or defining failure as part of the process.

 

Now whenever a train of thought about emotions, past situations, or the whys comes up I grab my journal or notes app depending on wherever I am and instantly note down whatever goes on in my mind. Implementing this consistent practice allowed me to uncover patterns, reasons for my emotions and values in the first two weeks. My journal gave me an overview of where to start changing my beliefs and responding differently to reoccurring situations.

 

Let’s examine what the author, Mark Manson, says about good and bad values.

 

Good values, he says, are reality-based, socially constructive, immediate, and controllable. On the contrary, bad values are superstitious, socially destructive, not immediate, and uncontrollable. 

 

He mentions a few examples of bad values:

 

• Pleasure: don’t center your life around experiencing pleasure. It’s superficial and easy to lose.

 

• Material Success: Overvaluing material success doesn’t lead to happiness. Of course, being able to afford a living and not worrying about money adds to your happiness but at a certain income, more money doesn’t contribute to your happiness.

 

• Insisting on always being right: We’re always wrong. Throughout history, scientists established theories that have been proved wrong later on meaning we think we’re always right in the moment but later on we can be proven wrong. However, that said the scientist was nearer to the truth than his competitors. Which means we’re probably not right but less wrong. This mindset encourages learning and growth.

 

• Blind Positivity: Positivity to a point of denying negative emotions and problems is toxic positivity. There’s a difference between faking until you make it and denying all negativity in your life. Embrace your negative feelings in a healthy manner that aligns with your values. 

 

“This, in a nutshell, is what “self-improvement”  is really about: prioritizing better values, choosing better things to give a f*ck about. Because when you give better f*cks, you get better problems. And when you get better problems, you get a better life”

– page 89

 

 

LESSON FIVE

commitment and boundaries contribute to happiness

 

To achieve meaning and a sense of importance and identity we need to commit to something: a partner, a career path, a goal, a belief, a lifestyle, etc. This commitment requires the rejection of alternatives narrowing freedom. Rejection makes our lives better because it’s the act of choosing a value and as a consequence rejecting alternatives. Without clear rejection, we have no sense of identity since we’re not choosing values that define us in who we are as a person. 

 

Having too many choices, also known as the Paradox of Choice, we get overwhelmed and are less satisfied with whatever we choose because we’re constantly worrying about what if we chose anything else. Despite the fact that commitment limits our freedom, counterintuitively, it gives us more freedom since we’re no longer distracted by what’s unimportant and provides us with a clear focus on what we have and what makes us happy and healthy.

 

Healthy relationships require boundaries and rejection. According to the author, the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship is defined by two main things: how well each person accepts responsibility and how willing both individuals are to be rejected and reject the other person. 

 

Conflict on the other hand is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship as well as healthy conflict management. 

 

A relationship turns unhealthy when one person or both expect the other person to take responsibility for their problems or take on too much responsibility for the other person. A healthy way would be to help your partner solve their own problems, supporting them while they figure out their own issues and vice versa.